The Peach Acres News is a longstanding Tarrier tradition and a key component of the annual Founders’ Day all-school assembly. Resident “Drama Guy” (Middle and Upper School theater teacher John Forier) works with Upper School performing arts students on the script and performance of this mock news program. Performed this year by Logan W. ’18 and Maddie P. ’17, the 2017 Peach Acres News script appears in full below.
(MUSIC, the FADE…)
LOGAN- Good afternoon, Charles Wright Academy, I’m Logan…
MADDIE- …and I’m Madison, and this is…
BOTH- …The Peach Acres News!
LOGAN- The Charles Wright Lower School was rocked by fake controversy last month when popular second grade book character, project leader, and guy who hangs out all over the bulletin board Flat Stanley was indicted by the federal government on charges of domestic espionage. The charges were brought by incoming president Donald Trump alleging that Flat Stanley had placed wiretaps in Trump Tower during the latter stages of Trump’s presidential campaign under direct orders from Lower School Head Diane Hunt. While no specific evidence has been uncovered, President Trump did tweet out this statement: “The doors were all closed and that guy has been all over the world without a visa… who else could it be?” He also tweeted out the well documented, “Is it legal for a sitting Lower School head to be ‘wire tapping’ a race for president prior to an election? A new low!” And he included with that a picture of Flat Stanley with Ms. Hunt wearing a badly photoshopped-in button reading “I wiretapped Trump Tower.” He also tweeted a scathing review of the last Flat Stanley children’s book and a recipe for Cajun corn dogs, which may have been unrelated, but Peach Acres News did discover several beautifully colored photocopies of Flat Stanley
MADDIE- What is it?
LOGAN- I never noticed how much Flat Stanley looked like President Trump… it’s the hair.
MADDIE- Controversy has also found the Charles Wright Middle School, where the new co-leader regime of Riley B. and Nadeen B. has begun construction on the fulfillment of their campaign promise to build a wall around the sixth grade kid pit. For years, more conservative seventh and eighth graders from border classrooms have complained of sixth graders taking locker space, textbooks, and the last of the breakfast sandwiches from the cafeteria. They claimed that something had to be done now. Graduation-slash-moving-on reform has been on the student government agenda for many years, but the current leadership group feels that they absolutely have to build the wall now and figure out why later.
LOGAN- Peach Acres News asked sixth grade team leader Jim Albers how the project was going and he replied, “Well, we’re not paying for it, that’s for darn sure.” He then waited several seconds for that joke to sink in before continuing. “Other than that, it’s actually going pretty well. They’re building it out of paper mache, and we’re putting a bunch of those fake wanted posters with pictures of the new sixth graders on them. It’s pretty nice, actually.” Albers was then interrupted by an eighth grader hoping to trade several paper clips for an expo marker, which Mr. Albers flatly refused… then waited several seconds for that joke to sink in. [Big pause.] Peach Acres News will continue to follow that story, as well.
MADDIE- The order for the day in the Upper School is “change.” Along with administrative changes including a shift from the two deans to a more practical one dean for every student, the big change in the Upper School will be the transition to a trimester system from the old bimester system…
LOGAN- I thought it was a “semester” system.
MADDIE- Logan, when I moved on from a tricycle, I got a “bi” cycle, not a “sem” cycle.
LOGAN- Clearly etymology is not your strong suit.
MADDIE- I don’t get what the study of bugs has to do with anything. Anyway… the transition to a trimester system will lead to numerous new electives throughout the Upper School curriculum.
LOGAN- Peach Acres News was not able to access any of the highly classified new elective information, but our new top investigative reporter was able to sneak into a low level administrative office and acquire an only partially shredded copy of the electives that were turned down by the curriculum committee.
MADDIE- Thank you, Flat Stanley.
LOGAN- So here are a few of the electives we won’t see in the catalog for next year as pieced together by the crew in the studio. Number one… the history department was going to offer a class called the “History of Doctor Who” or “Doctor Who History.” We were not able to find a description of the course, but the supply list included a trench coat, scarf, and working Tardis.
MADDIE- The performing arts department was going to offer something along the lines of “Advanced Theory of Burlesque”…
LOGAN- That might have been two classes…
MADDIE- Either way, that would have been popular.
LOGAN- Ms. Crouch had proposed a class called “Great Author of Wyoming”…
MADDIE- I think that might have been “Great Authors.”
LOGAN- (As if to a child) Wyoming.
MADDIE- Ahh. The art department had proposed a “Chainsaw Log Sculpture” class…
LOGAN- Combined with flame-thrower Raku…
MADDIE- …and dynamite and other high explosives… [Pause.]
LOGAN- What sort of art were they doing with those?
MADDIE- Doesn’t say… I think they just wanted to set off explosives.
LOGAN- I’d take that.
MADDIE- The science department was going to offer a class called “Bugs.” No other information.
LOGAN- The math department had proposed a class called “Even More Math.”
MADDIE- That can’t be real.
LOGAN- Oh… no… you’re right, that was a mistake.
MADDIE- I knew that had to be a joke.
LOGAN- No, the mistake was that class actually is being offered.
MADDIE- The English, civics, and world language departments were going to team teach a course on the etymology of political rhetoric, tweeting, and Lil Wayne lyrics… why is everyone so obsessed with bugs?
LOGAN- You can check out more rejected elective offerings at the Peach Acres website, but that’s all the news for today.
MADDIE- For Peach Acres News, I’m Madison…
LOGAN- And I’m Logan.
LOGAN- Sem! … see what I did there?
(MUSIC and OUT!)